Walter Wallace Jr. and the Heartbreak of Black Mothers

Walter Wallace Jr. should be here.

Being a Black mother in America is a progression of continuing heartbreak.

When I was pregnant with my firstborn, I didn't find out whether I was having a boy or a girl.

But in my heart, I had no doubt that I was carrying a boy. Call it Mother's Intuition.

As I learned of another state-sanctioned execution of a Black man during my pregnancy, I held my stomach.

To be honest, I can't remember which killing it was. Because sadly--appallingly--this is a standard part of life in America.

What was I doing, I wondered? What if I was having a boy--how would I protect him?

Seven years later, that question looms large, and the fear grows more acute.

Each comment on how big my son is growing reminds me of when my sweet son transitions from being viewed as a cute little boy to a threat.

I experience heart palpitations when I think about "The Talk," and know the time is near.

Not only did Walter Wallace Jr.'s mom experience every Black mother's greatest fear on Monday night, but she also faced the unspeakable horror of watching her son murdered in front of her.

Because his mother didn't matter to them. He didn't matter to them. We don't matter to them. 

Imagine having to beg for your right to exist--and a country having the audacity to portray that demand as radical.

I'll hide the tears as I greet my baby boy later this morning. I'll hug him extra tight, trying my hardest not to let on that anything is wrong.

Then I'll lock myself in the bathroom and weep.

The same tears my ancestors cried. Fears every Black American faces every moment of every day.

De-escalation is never attempted for us. We are guilty by virtue of the melanin that blesses us.

The heartbreak never ends. It never gets easier. The fears don't get dulled with each murder, but rather swell and surge.

A twin. A son. A father. Gone at 27. His life mattered.

I won't watch the video. I never watch the videos. Black bodies being hunted isn't a sport to be viewed. I don't need a video to know exactly what happened. It's the same every time.

Say his name. Walter Wallace Jr. We will fight for you. 

(Photos via @EllieRushing on Twitter)